Inspiration comes in the weirdest forms. I had been struggling with myself for a while. Why am I the way I am? Why do I refuse to open up to people as though I view the world as this harsh, untrustworthy place when that perception couldn’t be further from the truth?
As a child, I was always judgmental, cynical and untrusting. I thought the worst of most things and felt very uncomfortable with my feelings and communication. While the last two remain true today, my inner vision and perception of the world has completely changed.
Now, everything is golden and good and beautiful. I often only choose to see the best in people and the world. I am filled with love towards everything around me. I now long for a true connection, a connection with someone who can understand me. Somehow, this seemed backwards to me. Why did I start off with all the broken negativity that one would assume is molded by negative experience?
As a child I was an old soul, harmed by some sort of broken past. And yet my experiences were limited and not at all broken. Perhaps my soul rose from another life, a life where it was hurt and broken. Was I born broken? Was I born having been hurt before?
My mother told me a story the other night. She told me about my first day of school. I was nervous, panicking most likely. I was surrounded by people I was not familiar with at all. I was scared. My mom said that she could see it on my face. I was sitting alone at a table, most likely overwhelmed with all that was around me. I was probably screaming inside, wanting to run, jump up and leave. But, as always, on the outside I was calm. Sad, yes, but silent. So quiet and still that I’m sure no one would have noticed a thing if I were invisible.
My mom said that I told her to just go. To leave me all alone in a position that I didn’t want to be in. She said that I wouldn’t let her see me cry but as she walked away, she saw a tear running down my cheek.
It was an insane story. One that was nothing similar to any other story of the younger me that I had heard before. Yet, somehow, it was the most relatable. While listening, a huge, fleeting part of me felt embarrassed and wished that my mom hadn’t seen the tear. And in that moment of embarrassment, I realized that I haven’t changed.
I still don’t want people to see me vulnerable and yet, at the same time, I wish someone would understand and see me in that state. I mean, I have the strangest recurring dream of me crying in random, hidden places and this figure would just materialize and begin comforting me. It’s the strangest dream. I would be sobbing and the feeling in my heart would be an aching, heavy, broken sadness.
I never understood where all of this sadness and brokenness came from. I always felt it in my heart. I always knew that there was the potential for painful, heartbreakingly poetic sadness inside of me.
But, as my life progresses the sadness grows less and less. It seems as though I’m growing backwards. In true Benjamin Button fashion, I feel my spirit getting lighter everyday. I grow less and less critical. I choose o ignore more broken and wrong things in my own mind and focus on the good.
It’s seems, sometimes, that I grow more innocent the more I know. I would call it enlightenment, the opposite of experience. The gaining of knowledge and wisdom normally breaks a person down. Smart people are often complex, broken and intensely cynical. This is simply because knowing too much can cause a person to be overwhelmed with all the bad.
And yet, it seems as though life hasn’t broken me. The more I learn about how broken the world and lives, families, people are, the lighter my heart becomes. Sadness dissipates with knowledge. Learning creates this intense happiness inside of me.
Perhaps I was born broken. Perhaps I can never be truly fixed. But I like this. I like growing into happiness, waiting for it to fit me properly. I like who I am becoming and I pity who I was. As a child, my heart should never have been so broken. And yet, for some reason, it was. However, I am outgrowing the cracks. I’m filling them with love again.
This life will treat me well. My broken soul from a broken past life will be fixed.