It’s fucking terrifying.
How do people do it so easily? How do people tell others how they’re feeling, their inner emotions, their hearts desires, their entire soul? Allow their bare, naked truth to strut about the mind of a stranger? Allow it tobbe exposed, vulnerable to rejection and hurt? How do you give up something like that? How do you trust someone to look after it?
I’m so afraid and I can finally admit it. I am scared, horrified, petrified, fucking frantic.
I am so afraid to scrape out the inner makings of my being, the drive for my actions, the inner thoughts and naughty whispers, the dreadful ideas and absurd actions. The intensity of my feelings is not something that I can express willfully.
There is just so much inside of me that, if I ever were to express it, I would need hours to express one moment of fleeting emotion. My emotions are cathartic, intense and volumous. Heavy, kilometre deep emotions are held, contained by mere seconds in time. And yet, I’m called emotionless, robotic, neutral an unfeeling by many people.
But that’s because each emotion is so brutal that it’s immense nature is suppressed by my fear of unfavourable reaction or dismissal.
I’m afraid of rejection. Of people not caring. Of being seen as dramatic.
I’m so fucking afraid. I shiver at night and cry myself to sleep because everything inside of me wants to break free.
But it’s impossible. It’s impossible to allow my feelings to run free in the world, so devoid of empathy.
Since about the age of 10, I thought that my deepest fear was being alone. But my deepest fear is also being misunderstood leading to the ultimatum of being alone forever. Being alone because I can’t share myself with anyone. Because I contain my heavy emotions. I’m afraid of carrying that burden alone forever.
I’m so afraid of isolation.
Lack of empathy.
I’m afraid of a world where I say that I actually feel… and nobody cares.